Sunday, December 25, 2005

motherwell's desperate, defiant assertion...

as long as i'm sorting through folders for stuff to delete; from july or early august 2005:

i had a conversation with one of my girlfriends from college the other night, and i asked her if she had heard that jonathan, my old roomie, whom she knows, is now engaged to be married. she had, and we then compared weddings we had attended recently (thank the good lord that june is over,) and came to the unspoken conclusion that we are both missing something. or, more accurately, someone in our lives. so we said our goodnights, and hung up. i can't speak for her, but i felt just the slightest twinge of awkwardness at saying 'goodbye' - it's like a part of me wanted to extract the promise that if we were both still single in two years, irregardless of prospects, we would marry each other.

i guess i've just seen too many movies. i mean, how unreal is that?! granted, this young lady is the total package - she's intelligent, great sense of humor, a fantastic dancer, easy to talk to, yada yada yada.... does anyone else see the problem here? the problem is not that i'm missing someone amazing to share my life with. the problem is that i am not focused on making myself the most loving, charitable, honest, chaste, understanding [yada yada yada gifts of the Holy Spirit...] person that i can be; in a word, Christ-like.

you and i, my brothers and sisters, will not find our completion in ourselves. nor will we find fulfillment our spouse - current or future. we find completion, fulfillment, rest, peace, [yada yada yada fruits...] in Christ alone.

i cannot speak for any of you, so i will simply speak for myself. the baptizer said of christ, "i must become less that He might become more." he spoke for himself as well as me. i am not a saint, but i do desire to be holy - to be, wholly for God. i'm all bout it bout it when it comes to being for God. it's the being "wholly" part that's the rub.

at this point, i would like to acknowledge my more educated friends, and issue a preemptive strike: i'll send you the definitions of my terms and my footnoted references in a later email...

what is the point of this?

1. i am truely happy, and in jonathan and christine's case, giddily joyful, at the news of two people seeking sacramental marriage in Christ's church.
2. society, which has in part conditioned me to both reverence and revile the esoteric concept of "marriage," can kiss my ass.
3. i am focused (with many, frequent, and varying distractions,) on discerning and preparing for God's design for my life, and praying for the grace to do this thing right.
4. i want to reaffirm that despite my failings, i am perfected in my imperfections.

4 Comments:

Blogger tiny robot said...

My two cents:

I don't think anyone is ever "complete". That would imply that one has understandings of everything: the universe, the world, life & death. I don't believe the human brain has evolved to have the capacity for such knowledge. If it did, we certainly wouldn't be fighting wars, letting our fellow humans starve, or worrying constantly about our likeablity.

Happiness is fleeting, yes, but we can choose to strive for peace and love and charity. Those things, our wonderful brains truly do have the capacity for. "Completeness" can wait.

1/11/2006 8:18 AM  
Blogger ZEE said...

exactly - we have nothing without Christ.

1/12/2006 10:02 PM  
Blogger ZEE said...

so, metaphorically speaking, i got into the cage with the tiger - unbeknownst to me - and got mauled. here's what it is:

if jerry maguire told God, "you complete me" that would be awesome.

+++++++++++++

that said and done, there is not time to wait. completeness in Christ cannot wait - when we come to KNOW Him, not just OF him, it is ALWAYS urgent.

1/12/2006 10:11 PM  
Blogger tiny robot said...

You're putting words in my mouth.

1/13/2006 8:01 AM  

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